Surprises from the medicine cabinet

Warning - This post covers two subjects that might be uncomfortable to some.  First - I admit to having genital herpes. (Contacted it from the first girl I ever dated - such is life.) If that makes you uncomfortable then, oops, sorry. Too late. You’re uncomfortable.  Second - the post is largely about the depression that I sometimes suffer from.  I am, in fact, a dude who not only admits to suffering from depression sometimes but I freakin talk about it.  If that makes me a girly man then - so be it. You can choose at this point to stop reading.  The story’s pretty funny though so….

Woke up at midnight dealing with the pain of an approaching herpes attack.  If you’re a fellow ‘herps’ sufferer you probably know the feeling.  So, I stumbled into the head, (boat talk for bathroom), sorted through my prescription meds, found the "bottle"  that said Valacyclovir and took one - hoping to alleviate the pain and stop an oncoming attack.  See where this is going? ... 

At 4AM I woke up feeling really positive and awake.  I go to bed at 9PM most nights - common amongst people on boats - so waking up at 4 isn’t that unusual.  But, the dread of seemingly endless boat projects, none of which I have the skills to complete, that has accompanied mornings for the last couple months was missing.  So, I got out of bed and went out on deck to look at the stars for 30 minutes.  It was lovely and peaceful and, although I was enjoying it, I decided to go back below and try to sleep.  That didn’t work so just before 6AM I gave up, got dressed and started my day.  I quickly shoved some old pillows into some beautiful pillow cases I bought in Nepal, something I’ve been wanting to do for weeks, then lit a candle and meditated.   Successfully even.  My brain was calm.  I attributed it to the mint tea I had last night just before bed.  

It was a lovely morning so as the sun came up I decided to go out on deck and do a full yoga routine to greet it.  Also something I’ve been neglecting lately.  I just haven’t been able to find the energy nor have I felt spiritually attuned.  And my body’s been hurting.  This morning was different.  I greeted the rising sun with sun salutations, even took my coat and shirt off to the let the warming sun radiate into my heart center as I did a few asanas focused on that chakra.  I felt fantastic.  So much so, in fact, that I began to get suspicious. Why do I feel so good??? Wait a minute.... 

I just checked.  The pill I took wasnt Valocyclovir. It wasn't any of the other cyclovirs either.  It was Adderall.  Generic name - amphetamine salts.  If it sounds familiar it’s because it’s history is controversial.  It’s typically prescribed to kids for ADHD. Many would say overly prescribed. But, it’s also a key ingredient in making crystal meth.  In fact, that’s why I have it.  Ok - bad joke.  

Without going into gory details, I have it because it was prescribed to me several years ago by a psychiatrist, at the suggestion of a therapist (oof - another confession - I’ve seen therapists!!!), when I complained about ADHD symptoms and not being able to focus.  I learned then that it helped with my focus tremendously, because it’s a stimulant (the irony of ADHD meds) but that, for me, it came with a long term side effect of elevated blood pressure - so I’ve never taken it regularly.  What I didn’t know, until today, is that it’s also a mood enhancer - hence the crystal meth connection.  It triggers the release of dopamine.  

So why the hell am I sharing all of this?  Because I feel fucking fantastic for the first time in a couple months and I got here organically (arguable) - not via the rationalizing self-talk that I’ve relied on lately.  (“How dare you be depressed??  You live on a boat in a staggeringly beautiful spot in Mexico and there are starving people all over the world you ungrateful shit!!”).  And by ‘fantastic’ what I really mean is - I feel NORMAL.  I can say with a great degree of certainty that the lightness and positivity I feel, the sense of motivation and hopefulness, was once my baseline.  This is proof to me that my mental health, or lack thereof, is a physiological phenomenon, governed by the manufacture and distribution of exactly the right levels of certain chemicals in this infinitely complex body of mine.  It’s not something that I can choose to get over, nor is it something to be ashamed of when it isn’t just right.  It’s physiological!! If I was missing a leg you wouldn’t suggest I simply stop whining and walk anyways.  But, with mental health, that’s what we do sometimes - because we can’t see it.  The ‘missing’ part isn’t visible so we pretend it isn’t real.   It’s real folks. 

Don’t ask me what I’m going to do now because I don’t know.  I don’t want to get back on anti-depressants.  I’ve been there and they all come with side-effects I don’t like.  I can’t take adderall every day - but I admit I might pop one a little more regularly until I figure things out.  I might explore natural, plant based alternatives and/or diet changes.  I’m more motivated to do that now.   I do have a request for the readers, however, especially if you’re male.  I often end with a request.  Please, help me become less ‘unique’ by allowing yourself to believe that confessing to feeling depressed, or down, isn’t a sign of weakness. You don’t even need to confess to feeling depressed - just allow yourself to believe that it’s ok to feel that way.  

And by all means - you don’t need to confess to anything else - like having herpes.  Who in their right mind does that kind of thing?

First Dance

I'm more than a few weeks into this now and I've been thinking about what the real challenges are in trying to care for aging parents who are on the other side of the country. One of the biggest things I'm struggling with thus far is the feeling of 'Am I, or are we (my siblings and I) doing enough?' On the one hand, our parents are.. well, our parents. They're supposed to be taking care of US no matter how old we are. I feel it a little bit, and I'm certain it's what they're thinking. They're resistant to admitting that some help from us would be appreciated, because they don't want to believe they could be becoming dependent, and they don't want to be a burden.

On the other hand, I do feel a certain obligation to returning the life long favor. I find myself constantly trying to gather information to ensure they, and we, are on track to keep them as happy and comfortable as possible, for as long as possible. The littany of questions and activities required to obtain that assurance begins to impede on that sense of autonomy. Add to that, the fact that my siblings want the same assurances and you get an awkward grade-school first dance where we occasionally bump into eachother, and step on our parents toes.

There are some great books out that help navigate through many of these questions and plan for the evolving phases. My favorite thus far has been Caring for your Parents written by Hugh Delehanty and Elinor Ginzler and published by AARP. The one challenge with it, and with every other book I've found, is they're quite long. My wife is working on putting together a much smaller book. As soon as it's available I'll post it here.

Also - I've been trying to build a prototype website where families can come together to post status updates, keep a common calendar, and store critical information needed for planning and ensuring things work smoothly. Let me konw your thoughts on that, and I'll provide a link soon.

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Conundrums

First of all - thanks for reading. This is my first post but it's something I've been stewing over for quite a while.

My wife and I decided, for really great reasons, to move to the opposite side of the country from our parents about 10 years ago. We knew the time would come when, as they got older, that decision would cause some consternation. The time is upon us.

My Dad's health has suddenly taken a quick downward turn and, although she's willing, I worry about my Mom's ability to keep the household running AND care for Dad. So now the conundrum starts. If we lived nearby the problem wouldn't be as big, but they don't. They live in Florida most of the year and Atlanta during the Summer. We live in Boise, ID. A better son might move but we have a great life here, and jobs, and kids in school. So begins the process of working through what help I should provide when and how to balance/coordinate that with my two brothers

The categories of items to consider are many (I like to categorize things). Some are;

• Healthcare. They will likely move to Atlanta full time but many doctors there don't take Medicare. How hard is it going to be to find doctors? Will the quality of care be good?
  
• Advocacy. My parents are very able minded still so it's a sensitive subject when I say I want to talk to the doctors, ask a few questions and help make sure they're getting the best care. Also - it's pretty hard sometimes to do that long distance.
• 3rd Party Care. What about hiring in home caregiving or (gasp) consideration of moving to an elderly community with some kind of living assistance. (Notice I can't even bring myself to type 'Assisted Living Center'). We broached this subject momentarily and it was quickly shot down.
• Information. What information should I have on hand in case an 'event' occurs that needs immediate attention. Names of doctors, neighbors, etc.; Names of medications; Access to legal documents, bank account info, social security #'s, policy numbers, etc. And should my brothers and I spend some time putting together a 'plan' for who will do what when?
  
• And of course, balancing my commitment to my wife and children, my job and my chosen community with my commitment/obligation to be there (literally and figuratively) for my parents.
  

As indicated above, I'm thinking out loud for now and I welcome your comments and thoughts. I'll continue to think through these things. It might make sense to create some 'categories' like above, for continued posts and comments. In the meantime, please let me hear from others. What are YOUR concerns? What have you done that worked? What have you done that you wish you'd done differently? Perhaps through this medium we can come up with some ideas together.