First Dance

I'm more than a few weeks into this now and I've been thinking about what the real challenges are in trying to care for aging parents who are on the other side of the country. One of the biggest things I'm struggling with thus far is the feeling of 'Am I, or are we (my siblings and I) doing enough?' On the one hand, our parents are.. well, our parents. They're supposed to be taking care of US no matter how old we are. I feel it a little bit, and I'm certain it's what they're thinking. They're resistant to admitting that some help from us would be appreciated, because they don't want to believe they could be becoming dependent, and they don't want to be a burden.

On the other hand, I do feel a certain obligation to returning the life long favor. I find myself constantly trying to gather information to ensure they, and we, are on track to keep them as happy and comfortable as possible, for as long as possible. The littany of questions and activities required to obtain that assurance begins to impede on that sense of autonomy. Add to that, the fact that my siblings want the same assurances and you get an awkward grade-school first dance where we occasionally bump into eachother, and step on our parents toes.

There are some great books out that help navigate through many of these questions and plan for the evolving phases. My favorite thus far has been Caring for your Parents written by Hugh Delehanty and Elinor Ginzler and published by AARP. The one challenge with it, and with every other book I've found, is they're quite long. My wife is working on putting together a much smaller book. As soon as it's available I'll post it here.

Also - I've been trying to build a prototype website where families can come together to post status updates, keep a common calendar, and store critical information needed for planning and ensuring things work smoothly. Let me konw your thoughts on that, and I'll provide a link soon.

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Conundrums

First of all - thanks for reading. This is my first post but it's something I've been stewing over for quite a while.

My wife and I decided, for really great reasons, to move to the opposite side of the country from our parents about 10 years ago. We knew the time would come when, as they got older, that decision would cause some consternation. The time is upon us.

My Dad's health has suddenly taken a quick downward turn and, although she's willing, I worry about my Mom's ability to keep the household running AND care for Dad. So now the conundrum starts. If we lived nearby the problem wouldn't be as big, but they don't. They live in Florida most of the year and Atlanta during the Summer. We live in Boise, ID. A better son might move but we have a great life here, and jobs, and kids in school. So begins the process of working through what help I should provide when and how to balance/coordinate that with my two brothers

The categories of items to consider are many (I like to categorize things). Some are;

• Healthcare. They will likely move to Atlanta full time but many doctors there don't take Medicare. How hard is it going to be to find doctors? Will the quality of care be good?
  
• Advocacy. My parents are very able minded still so it's a sensitive subject when I say I want to talk to the doctors, ask a few questions and help make sure they're getting the best care. Also - it's pretty hard sometimes to do that long distance.
• 3rd Party Care. What about hiring in home caregiving or (gasp) consideration of moving to an elderly community with some kind of living assistance. (Notice I can't even bring myself to type 'Assisted Living Center'). We broached this subject momentarily and it was quickly shot down.
• Information. What information should I have on hand in case an 'event' occurs that needs immediate attention. Names of doctors, neighbors, etc.; Names of medications; Access to legal documents, bank account info, social security #'s, policy numbers, etc. And should my brothers and I spend some time putting together a 'plan' for who will do what when?
  
• And of course, balancing my commitment to my wife and children, my job and my chosen community with my commitment/obligation to be there (literally and figuratively) for my parents.
  

As indicated above, I'm thinking out loud for now and I welcome your comments and thoughts. I'll continue to think through these things. It might make sense to create some 'categories' like above, for continued posts and comments. In the meantime, please let me hear from others. What are YOUR concerns? What have you done that worked? What have you done that you wish you'd done differently? Perhaps through this medium we can come up with some ideas together.