Warning - This post covers two subjects that might be uncomfortable to some. First - I admit to having genital herpes. (Contacted it from the first girl I ever dated - such is life.) If that makes you uncomfortable then, oops, sorry. Too late. You’re uncomfortable. Second - the post is largely about the depression that I sometimes suffer from. I am, in fact, a dude who not only admits to suffering from depression sometimes but I freakin talk about it. If that makes me a girly man then - so be it. You can choose at this point to stop reading. The story’s pretty funny though so….
Woke up at midnight dealing with the pain of an approaching herpes attack. If you’re a fellow ‘herps’ sufferer you probably know the feeling. So, I stumbled into the head, (boat talk for bathroom), sorted through my prescription meds, found the "bottle" that said Valacyclovir and took one - hoping to alleviate the pain and stop an oncoming attack. See where this is going? ...
At 4AM I woke up feeling really positive and awake. I go to bed at 9PM most nights - common amongst people on boats - so waking up at 4 isn’t that unusual. But, the dread of seemingly endless boat projects, none of which I have the skills to complete, that has accompanied mornings for the last couple months was missing. So, I got out of bed and went out on deck to look at the stars for 30 minutes. It was lovely and peaceful and, although I was enjoying it, I decided to go back below and try to sleep. That didn’t work so just before 6AM I gave up, got dressed and started my day. I quickly shoved some old pillows into some beautiful pillow cases I bought in Nepal, something I’ve been wanting to do for weeks, then lit a candle and meditated. Successfully even. My brain was calm. I attributed it to the mint tea I had last night just before bed.
It was a lovely morning so as the sun came up I decided to go out on deck and do a full yoga routine to greet it. Also something I’ve been neglecting lately. I just haven’t been able to find the energy nor have I felt spiritually attuned. And my body’s been hurting. This morning was different. I greeted the rising sun with sun salutations, even took my coat and shirt off to the let the warming sun radiate into my heart center as I did a few asanas focused on that chakra. I felt fantastic. So much so, in fact, that I began to get suspicious. Why do I feel so good??? Wait a minute....
I just checked. The pill I took wasnt Valocyclovir. It wasn't any of the other cyclovirs either. It was Adderall. Generic name - amphetamine salts. If it sounds familiar it’s because it’s history is controversial. It’s typically prescribed to kids for ADHD. Many would say overly prescribed. But, it’s also a key ingredient in making crystal meth. In fact, that’s why I have it. Ok - bad joke.
Without going into gory details, I have it because it was prescribed to me several years ago by a psychiatrist, at the suggestion of a therapist (oof - another confession - I’ve seen therapists!!!), when I complained about ADHD symptoms and not being able to focus. I learned then that it helped with my focus tremendously, because it’s a stimulant (the irony of ADHD meds) but that, for me, it came with a long term side effect of elevated blood pressure - so I’ve never taken it regularly. What I didn’t know, until today, is that it’s also a mood enhancer - hence the crystal meth connection. It triggers the release of dopamine.
So why the hell am I sharing all of this? Because I feel fucking fantastic for the first time in a couple months and I got here organically (arguable) - not via the rationalizing self-talk that I’ve relied on lately. (“How dare you be depressed?? You live on a boat in a staggeringly beautiful spot in Mexico and there are starving people all over the world you ungrateful shit!!”). And by ‘fantastic’ what I really mean is - I feel NORMAL. I can say with a great degree of certainty that the lightness and positivity I feel, the sense of motivation and hopefulness, was once my baseline. This is proof to me that my mental health, or lack thereof, is a physiological phenomenon, governed by the manufacture and distribution of exactly the right levels of certain chemicals in this infinitely complex body of mine. It’s not something that I can choose to get over, nor is it something to be ashamed of when it isn’t just right. It’s physiological!! If I was missing a leg you wouldn’t suggest I simply stop whining and walk anyways. But, with mental health, that’s what we do sometimes - because we can’t see it. The ‘missing’ part isn’t visible so we pretend it isn’t real. It’s real folks.
Don’t ask me what I’m going to do now because I don’t know. I don’t want to get back on anti-depressants. I’ve been there and they all come with side-effects I don’t like. I can’t take adderall every day - but I admit I might pop one a little more regularly until I figure things out. I might explore natural, plant based alternatives and/or diet changes. I’m more motivated to do that now. I do have a request for the readers, however, especially if you’re male. I often end with a request. Please, help me become less ‘unique’ by allowing yourself to believe that confessing to feeling depressed, or down, isn’t a sign of weakness. You don’t even need to confess to feeling depressed - just allow yourself to believe that it’s ok to feel that way.
And by all means - you don’t need to confess to anything else - like having herpes. Who in their right mind does that kind of thing?
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